candidgamera | Jan. 30th, 2008

[ Interior Scene : An Executive Boardroom. Five Business Executives are arrayed around a meeting table, which holds a speakerphone.]

[ Cast : Five American Business Executives - Adam, Bob, Carl, Dave, and Edward; and one foreign associate via speakerphone, Fritz.]

[Adam] Okay, Fritz, we're all very excited to be working with you and your people, so let's hear a few ideas.

[Fritz] Excellent! Well, the first idea, it is 'Holos'.

[Dave] Holos?

[Fritz] Much like the inferior Rolos, but with pure, white chocolate!

[Adam] I already don't like where this is going..

[Carl] White chocolate is very in this year..

[Fritz] A pure candy such as this could gradually eliminate the inferior specimens from the market. We can market them to the ones who are proud of their pure heritage..

[Adam] This is ridiculous.

[Edward] Are you suggesting we simply ignore the white supremacist market segment?

[Carl] Membership in Neo-Nazi groups has been climbing in this decade.

[Bob](looks uncomfortable) I don't know about this..

[Dave] There really is no candy that is targeted to those people.

[Adam] (dubious) I just don't think it's a good idea..

[Edward] We'd have an exclusive on the market; we'd make millions.

[Adam] (sighs) Fine. We can discuss it. For argument's sake, I'll play the target audience. I'm your hypothetical Neo-Nazi, with hypothetical Hitler memorabilia, and I hypothetically arranged for the death of Bob's impure family.

[Bob] My family? You bastard!

[Adam] Sorry, Bob, they're Jewish, so I had to hypothetically kill them.

[Bob] My wife's maiden name is Schmidt! It's a good, German name - she's not Jewish!

[Adam] (shrugs) I can't help it, Bob. I'm a hypothetical Neo-Nazi, and thus, not very rational. My violent nature and limited education causes me to make snap decisions and to prefer candy that speaks to my racial heritage. What's hypothetically done is done.

[Dave] Bob, you really shouldn't have said that, you're implying that Jewish names aren't good German names.. it's not very PC.

[Bob] (sobbing, running out) My family!

[Adam] (turning back to the meeting at hand) Okay, so - 'Holos'. As a hypothetical Neo-Nazi, I'm not liking the idea of a caramel filling, and a simple solid chunk of white chocolate won't sell. What do you put inside?

[Fritz] I was thinking maybe.. coconut?

[Carl] (grimaces) Coconut's very down this year. Sales are off twenty percent.

[Adam] Good. That settles that, then - moving on, what else have you got, Fritz?

[Fritz] A new kind of cookie - Luftwafers!

[Adam] I'm beginning to sense a theme, here.

[Fritz] A theme of profit and purity for us all!

[Dave] I don't know, the cookie market is awfully hard to penetrate..

[Adam] (hits the mute button on the speakerphone) Okay, who approved the buyout of Aryan Confectionery Co.?

[Edward] I think it was Bob.

[Adam] After this meeting, Bob's fired. Oh, and get him a card and some flowers for his family.

[Edward] But you only hypothetically killed them.

[Adam] Then buy the card and flowers at a hypothetical florist, do I have to think of everything?

[Dave] Bob was pretty broken up about it.

[Edward] (grudgingly nods, as Adam unmutes the phone)

[Adam] Okay, Fritz, I don't think the Luftwafers are going to cut it. We have time for one more pitch, though.

[Fritz] Fine, fine. How about this - a long-lasting, fruit flavored candy shaped like a boot - I call it the Everlasting Goosestepper!

(silence)

[Carl] (cautiously) Footwear is a very up trend this year..

[Dave] (nodding) Plays well with the paramilitary crowds..

[Edward] Layers of flavor - relatively inexpensive to manufacture..

[Fritz] If you want a vision of the future of candy, picture a fruit-flavored boot stomping on the teeth of humanity - forever!

[Adam] (after a moment's pause to think) I like it. Hell, we'll sell them in pairs. Nice job, Fritz.

[ End Scene. ]